So, last year I was diagnosed as autistic, which I think has just made me realize—given me this validation for my whole life, why I've been the way that I've been. My whole life I felt like I've been very intense or very emotional, very sensitive to the world around me. I find noise very difficult. I find so many things very challenging. But ever since I've been very young, my art has been what I've escaped into to make sense of the world around me, to quiet my brain down.
Being out in the landscape and the environment has allowed my brain to calm down as well, especially when there's just too much sensory input going on in other places. So getting the diagnosis of autism, it's almost like it's given me the language to describe myself and the words to describe how I really am and how my brain works, when I've never known that about myself. It's just been the best validation ever.
There's been a lot of grief that’s come because there are a lot of things that I've experienced in life where I felt like I had to try harder, or that I was being difficult or very dramatic—but actually, my brain's different from people who are not autistic. So there's been a lot of grief involved with that process. But equally, knowing that I am the way I am and that being autistic is just a different way of being, it's like a different operating system, has been incredibly empowering.
To have that language and to realize that about myself has been the best feeling. It’s helped me advocate for myself more and not hesitate to tell people about it, because so many people are autistic or have ADHD or are otherwise neurodivergent. It’s not a lack, it’s just different. It’s been really empowering to realize that about myself, to have the language to describe how I am. If there are difficulties I have, I can understand them so much more now and advocate for myself instead of gaslighting myself, which I’ve done before.
It also makes a lot of sense why I'm so hyperfocused with my art, because there’s that real intensity that comes with it. I think it’s been a massive part of why I’ve established myself as an artist. Being autistic is challenging, but it’s definitely allowed me to have this intense hyperfocus, and there’s just no way I could have done anything else. So yeah, it’s been a lot to come to terms with, but equally very empowering at the same time.
There’s been a series of things. My mom and I spoke a lot about this— it’s very obvious that my mom’s autistic, and she came to that realization herself after a doctor mentioned it to her. In a relationship I’ve been in, it became very obvious too. I was able to be myself, and certain behaviors made me think, “Oh, that’s interesting. I wonder what that’s about.”
I started to realize I was finding things very challenging because I no longer wanted to people-please. I was going to social events last year or the year before, which, when I was younger, if I found them uncomfortable, I’d just drink alcohol or push those feelings down. But now I’m not willing to change who I am, tone myself down, or dismiss how I feel. When all of that came to the surface, I went through the process of being diagnosed by a psychologist—and yeah, I got that diagnosis.
I think it’s been a series of many different things which I can now look back on throughout my whole life, seeing them through a different lens, or the real lens, and it all makes sense.
I think the biggest advice I can give to people who are younger and feel that they’re also neurodivergent is never to internalize things as failures. If your brain’s different, it’s different. We sadly live in a world created for neurotypical people. The world is very noisy, the lights are very bright, things are loud and overwhelming, and as a sensitive person, those aren’t weaknesses. It’s actually a superpower, an amazing thing to be sensitive in a world that likes to scroll past things or brush things under the rug.
If you think you’re neurodivergent, it’s absolutely challenging, but don’t internalize those things as failures. It’s because your brain’s different, it’s a different operating system, and it has incredible strengths that people who aren’t autistic don’t have. It’s a different experience, not a lesser one. And yeah, just advocate for yourself.
